I'm Cave Johnson. I own the place.
There's a thousand tests performed every day here in our enrichment spheres. I can't personally oversee every one of them so these pre-recorded messages will cover any questions you might have and respond to any incidents that may occur in the course of your science adventure.
Catching Elephant is a theme by Andy Taylor
I WILL BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN AND VITRIFY THE ASHES.
Look, sometimes things happen. Sometimes people die, or develop tumors or super powers, or break their knees. That’s the cost of science! If you like safe science so damn much, why don’t you marry it? Marry it, have its children, and live vicariously through them as they become the ones to go down in the history books as the test subjects who made science happen and didn’t let fear of getting their frontal lobes vitrified get in their way while you die without glory.
I don’t have time for nay-sayers and safety precautions!
We’re done here.
The lab boys just showed me one of their most recent work and let me just say here and now, on the permanent record: Aperture Science is not in the business of fusing man and machine. The entire point of replacing employees with robots was that they test and work without needing to be paid. Or secretly trying to sell us out to OSHA for safety violations. Or suing when we fire them for trying to sell us out to OSHA. Putting human parts in robots or robot parts in humans is just asking for more lawsuits and OSHA investigations.
In fact, you boys can use those “cyborgs” of yours on your new project: making a device that detects and destroys cyborgs. The last thing I need is Black Mesa getting ahold of your irresponisble developments and creating an army of half-men, half-robot patent-swiping super-employees.
And have it done by Friday, or I’ll fire you and have the other lab boys develop robots to do it.
Actually, let’s just do that. More cost-effective. Yes! Really! All of you. Boxes. Your stuff. Door. Parking lot. Cars. Goodbye.
You know what? I’ve been thinking. When people say, “the sky is the limit”, they’re just underachievers. Why stop at the sky when we could have the moon and the stars too? Hell, the sun even. No, the whole damn universe! It’s there for the taking and who’s gonna stop us?
No one, that’s who. They don’t have the gall.
Caroline, get the lab boys on a new project: writing- no! Carving my name into the universe. I want a put a dent in it!
